I only cry when I'm alone
by Epiphany Under Moonlight
Summary: So this is it. This is eternity. It's so cold here. So empty, but that's my fault and...your will.


Ok. I haven't received any reviews but I've only been an author for a couple of minutes.  
  
I've got tons of storeies but I crave...responses. As always send me anything, I'm game.  
  
Flames and criticism and basic insanity. You're all probably wondering why my bio is blank, well...tell ya later!  
  
For so long I sat staring at you book, once the haven of my thoughts and fantasies and my closest confidant, now, a stranger.   
  
And such a stranger that I could not even dream of speaking to you.   
  
But now I am alone and you are all I have.   
  
Even now I can't stop crying or sobbing or wailing or reminiscing, and I apologize for the tear stains on your familiar pages. But this morning dear book, my world ended, and what hurts the most I suppose is that it slipped away in the middle of the night with nothing more than a whisper of a goodbye.   
  
For that I am unforgiving, for all the time I spent with her and all the joy and tears and sadness and blood, she left me just as... well just as I left her. And I know she knew damn fucking well how much I loved and wanted her and wanted to make everything right and never hurt her again.   
  
But maybe it didn't matter.  
  
My hearts not beating like it would if you were around, it hurts so much and it feels like my breaths leaving my body and I'm scared and this close to doing something bad, because now I'm thinking maybe she wanted to hurt me as bad as I hurt her and see me suffer. Maybe she wanted this pain to suffocate me, I wish I could go back to the day before we met and skip my regrets. I wish I could have done what ever it would have taken for this pain to leave.   
  
But I did not, and now the keeper of my heart is gone.   
  
I am not a fool book!   
  
I know of karma and the rule of three and such but that does not mean I have to accept the destiny that fate has delt me. For no punishment could be greater than what I am now suffering under.   
  
For I have found love, true wonderful painful heartbreaking love and I wish upon every single shooting star I had not. I wish I wasn't in love with you so you couldn't hurt me.   
  
Aren't I a bastard?   
  
I'm sorry book even now I can feel the spidery veins of bitterness traveling through my body, my heart, soul, and my very essence.   
  
Though the bitterness has no hold on me quite like the despair, so blinding so completely enveloping.   
  
I wonder, is this what she went through? ... I'm know I deserve every minute of this torture but...this morning my lover died.   
  
She flew away on the wings of the demons and angels and left me and my mortal soul alone to sojourn on this world of lies and promises.   
  
I wish she left peacefully and not in the pain she has been in for the past week, I lie, truly what I wish is that she had not left, and if it was so written in the book of life and death that she had to leave me then I hope, Ra, I pray, she left unwillingly and that her soul did not fly from her body screaming joy at the thought of leaving her old life and also me.   
  
I say she left me and I know I sound like a brat prince, her nickname for me when she was well enough to joke, but I am or was a prince and I cannot, will not, help my nature.   
  
I am used to getting what I want and not being denied of it no matter what it is, and if for any reason I had to be denied I did not take it lightly. And since the day that... she walked into my life it has been filled with trouble and pain and danger, and no matter how possessive and rude and masochistic and pig-headed it may sound I do not appreciate her going off and dying on me after all of her time on this earth.   
  
But was she ever my lover, even when I held her and loved her and coveted her again and again and again, was she...I saw her sitting in a room once, darkness quietly embracing her. I have been with darkness all my life, have felt it ripple from my body and surround me in waves and rise and fall and swoon within it's own self but never has the darkness held me as it holds her.   
  
Like a lover, a certain lover who has no need for proving itself for it knows, it knows, she knows that they both accept their, their what?   
  
And if the darkness is what...it is, then it's unknowingly or...knowingly sharing her with the light. For I have seen her sit under the shine of the moon and seen the light kiss her soft skin and encircle her teasing and interested.   
  
And why not, she is perhaps the oldest or only true lover of such ancient entities, perhaps that's why it doesn't hurt so much though, for she coveted both.   
  
Lover to the darkness and light on many occasions... was she ever mine, never mine.   
  
Oh that damning morning.  
  
I awoke slightly breathless feeling as though I was missing something and I rolled over to face her, and she was so still. But not that still that makes my heart swell, I stayed there for so long frozen not moving. The tears found me first rolling past my cheeks while I willed you to move, to do anything, but no. And I couldn't touch you, because then it would be true and that would have been the worst thing in the world. And finally I started sobbing, curling into fetal position because I wanted so much to die at that moment.   
  
Perhaps we stayed that way for an hour, perhaps for an eternity.   
  
If not for Yugi then I would have stayed there until I died.   
  
But no, he poked his child's head into the room looking terrified, and because Yugi has done so much and has changed so many people I hoped he could change you.   
  
But this was even outside of his grasp.   
  
He almost had to carry me out of the room to make me leave you.   
  
The rest is a blur, a cold uncaring blur.   
  
I made him promise not to call the police or anyone, instead upon my request he called Arturo. I sat on the floor staring at the wall while Yugi called his friends, I gave him the most severe look when he tried to invite them into your house and he quickly changed the meeting place to the game shop. I was shocked when he asked me to come with him, you're still there, how could he? But after giving you a kiss and holding your hand and staring into your closed eyes and waiting for Arturo to come, and talking to him until he asked me to leave.   
  
I came to the game shop and watched disgusted as idiot after idiot pilled into that house.  
  
Joey. God I hate him! If I should become evil again, I would happily send him to the shadow realm. Oh and then there's Tristan who just happens to always walk in with Joey, every single damn time. I'm starting to wonder about them. The first thing Joey did was slap Yugi on the back and challenge me to a duel I imagine he was slightly perturbed when I smiled as I did.   
  
A duel, no, Joey you don't want to play with me right now, I'd bite.   
  
Tristan at least had enough common sense not to talk, at least not to me.   
  
And then the soft sound of shoes, feminine, and the door opened, and my mind and heart calmed and I expected you to walk in and smile at me, no instead a loud voice invaded my air space, "Yugi! Guys! Hey, what's up? Tristan looked around wearily, "Don't know yet."   
  
As Anzu walked in she look around and must have noticed that everyone was staring behind her. She turned and said, "Hey Yami, how are you doing?", and for the second time since I met her I really looked at Anzu.   
  
That brown hair that had only been trimmed throughout her life, flawless skin and bright blue eyes that still sparkled with innocence. Pretty, but still a child. Still without knowing about pain and suffering and death. I walked to her and when her face was less than an inch from mine I said, "Dear dear Anzu, you don't want to know."   
  
I then blew on her lips and watched as she blushed. I watched as her eyes searched mine for something and as she brought her fingers to her lips and smiled behind them.   
  
She likes me, the bitch, she likes me.   
  
Yugi quickly told them what happened. His details were little and he said no more than the facts. "Gia, she's...passed away and Yami needs help now. But you can't tell anyone because; well as you can see he's not taking it well." First Anzu then Joey. "Gia? That girl, the weird one?"."Yeah, I thought dey sent her off to da loony bin."   
  
I was staring down at the blue carpet not caring about any of them except for Yugi. You were most hurt when Yugi turned his back on you, and now that I think more about our, mhmm "our" past, I think I know exactly why. When you were kidnapped and I was this close to losing my mind and nearly slaughtering everyone in Egypt, you came back.   
  
Pretty precious, mine again.  
  
Or so I thought, but you had lost your memory and did not know me, me who loved you so much. You were afraid of me and asked me tearfully why I had stolen you away from the one you loved.  
  
That killed me, more than anything I wanted to find the bitch or bastard who had taken away MY Gia. And make them so wish they had never been born, and that they could die.  
  
But I did not, I did my very best to make you trust me again.   
  
But then one day a very serious meeting came up and I had no choice but to leave to attend to it. I could not force you into coming so I asked you, if perhaps you would grace me with your presence.  
  
You said no.  
  
I did not blame you.  
  
Instead I gave you a very special flower, a night blossom, they called it. Very rare and very very confidential.   
  
When I asked the old merchant for one he refused, saying he did not know what I was speaking about, even after I offered him a quite generous sum. Only when I told him about you and what you were and how much I loved you, only then did he give me the flower.   
  
It stayed curled and dead during the day, no more than a wilted dry remembrance of a flower. But as soon as dawn passed to night it rose and blossomed. Into a beautiful white and blue flower with pollen that seemed to glow.  
  
You kept the flower and stared up at me, wonderingly, curious as to why I was being so kind.  
  
I kissed your hand and begged you to wait for me. I remember you blushed and nodded smiling that beautiful smile of yours, and I felt hope. Our eyes locked and you said my name, I could feel the old Gia returning, and I kissed your forehead before I left.  
  
I then informed my high priest Anubis (who oddly enough is reincarnated as a man known as Seto Kaiba, still an asshole though) as well as several of the best guards in the palace that if I heard that you were displeased in any way, several people and their families were going to find themselves impaled on wooden spears for all to see.  
  
The ride to the meeting was torture, I was surrounded by idiot servants and worse I could not even find solace in your company as I had in other meetings. The ride was long and hot and I worried about if perhaps your secret "lover" (and yes I do say that with disgust) would come to claim you again.  
  
I made it to the meeting and found myself in the company of the greediest, most perverse, most despicable people one could find, the richest men of Egypt. There was wine, which I did not drink, women, which I did not take part in, and gossip, which I did not enjoy.   
  
Many lecherous eyes turned my way as a slimy voice said, "Yami. Pharaoh. I've heard this, hmm, funny little rumor. I've heard that the Pharaoh has been tied down by a woman, an unknown possibly peasant woman, that appears by some to not be all there, if you catch my meaning. Also I heard that, this same woman was kidnapped and disappeared from the grasp of your kingdom. And you, you're high priest, and even you're best guards could not locate her. I do hope that the dear and most feared, worshipped, and respected pharaoh is not losing his touch or perhaps just maybe going soft.", this speech was said by the most disgusting and hateful man in the room.  
  
Let me make this clear, in the past my father died when I was very young, he did everything in his power before he died however to make sure I would be the best and that I would in no way would I fail in my future occupation. He did many things that made me wish I would die and when I came into power it took me a very long time and a very special woman/lover to make me visit his tomb. My father died when I was seven and I met Gia when I was fifteen. My mother, who was a very sweet woman, was very ill for a very long period of time and could not handle stress, so I suppose it could be said that I never had any parents.   
  
I had to be every ruthless at a very early age to make sure the kingdom did not crumble and that ruthlessness only grew with time.  
  
I smiled at the said man and sat up, walking to him, "Sharikia, it's true, I have fallen in love and "this woman" as you called her, her name is Gia. I know many of you see this as a weakness but let me tell you this. If she so wished it, I would kill every person in Egypt, however thankfully for you sakes, she does not. You heard she was kidnapped, well, did you hear that many people died innocents, unknowings, and questionable peoples. Because she had left me, because she was taken from my reach. If anything ever happened to her I would slaughter nonstop, if she was unhappy, I would torture all, but, if she is happy and safe and in my presence, then everyone else is also safe. Remember that." I then quicker than everyone in the room could blink, slit his throat.   
  
"All of you. Remember that." I said walking away.  
  
It was then that a very breathless and tired messenger burst into the room and announced to me that "my most sacred guest" was in the throws of childbirth.   
  
Several chills ran up my spine at that moment.   
  
First of all childbirth during this time was very dangerous. The large majority of women and their children died from childbirth and my own mother was sickened by my birth, which in turn lead to her death.  
  
Second, we didn't know at that time that childbirth only resulted after 8-9 months of pregnancy, so I thought, that whoever had kidnapped her had...truly stolen her from me. What if she had someone else's child?  
  
Last, Gia wasn't human what if something happened and no one knew what to do.  
  
I raced as fast as I could back to my palace. Fear after fear running through my mind. I raced into the room they told me she was in, bracing myself for anything.  
  
And there...there she was with...a baby.  
  
She smiled at me, closed her eyes, and fell weakly onto the bed.  
  
I ran to her afraid that she had left me, but no. She smiled, said my name, and then told me to see my child.  
  
I then went and held him.  
  
He was crying but as soon as he was placed in my arms he stopped. He opened his eyes and stared up at me.   
  
He had huge violet eyes that shone with innocence and light and that which I had found in Gia's.  
  
His skin was the same pale color hers was and looking closely enough I could see tiny blue veins which held his blood and practically see his heart beat.  
  
He was tiny. And when he started to cry he seemed so wild. Shaking and writhing and powerful, but also very frail.  
  
His hair was...just like mine. A wispy mass of pale blond contrasting black, purple and proud fuchsia.  
  
Tears filled my eyes. He was alive, and she was alive, and they both were so beautiful and strong and different from everyone else, and mine, all mine.   
  
And suddenly I felt afraid.  
  
Someone had kidnapped her, and she had to have been hurt greatly before I met her, thus why she never liked to look anyone in the eye. She shied away from the company of men and women alike, delighting in children's, which she never had any real time with.   
  
What if someone was to...?  
  
NO!  
  
No WAY IN HEAVEN OR HELL WOULD ANYONE EVER HURT EITHER OF THEM.  
  
I swore then upon my son's head, that their wants, needs, and desires came before everyone else's.   
  
  
  
Before my kingdom.  
  
Before my most trusted friends.  
  
Before every last living soul.  
  
It was their world now. Theirs to toy with, create, build, or destroy if they so wished.  
  
And I would not stop them.  
  
She breathed his name a millennia ago, smiling when I asked what it meant. To an ancient Egyptian pharaoh, Japanese was very very foreign, and sounded like gibberish.  
  
"To play", she answered, "He should play for all time."  
  
That child, my son, he is, was, Yugi.  
  
So I look at him now. Same hair, same eyes. Same small wonderful child. Completely and totally different, completely and totally the same. And I wonder if he doesn't miss his true mother.  
  
And then I heard Anzu and Joey's comments.  
  
I grit my teeth and felt my eyes water while trying control my anger while wondering why the hell I should.  
  
Neither could understand anything, the fools.  
  
She wasn't weird, she was special, you Bitch, but people like you destroyed that, and she was in the "loony bin" Joey, that's why she hated herself. That why she cut herself. That's why she smiled so rarely and was afraid to speak.  
  
I could feel the Sennen Eye glowing fiercely.  
  
"So, Yug how'd she do it, lie herself to death. Or let me guess some poor unfortunate victim came back and did her in.", Joey quipped.  
  
My eyes widened and my anger rose to a new height.  
  
That was the last fucking straw!  
  
I turned all ready to kill Joey and Anzu but Yugi was looking up at me pleadingly.   
  
No.   
  
That wasn't fair he was as wrong as they were, they deserved this and more but...Yugi...Yugi.  
  
Damn him!   
  
I gave the whole group a deadly glare and stomped out of the room and stood outside.  
  
I know I had no right to be angry, I had made the same jokes and laughed at them, but still the anger didn't disappear with my new found open mind ness. I had fallen in love at the wrong time and with the wrong person. That was the truth, now...now I needed some time alone. This was good, I had fallen in love with a vampire, and that was bad. The past was the past and now I had a chance, I could fall for Anzu; all I needed to do was try.  
  
Anzu was good-looking, good attitude, no deep dark secrets, and no hatred for me, this could work out.  
  
Gia was dead, but I was still alive, very much alive. I would just apologize to Joey and Anzu and move on.  
  
I was sorry for Gia but I needed someone, anyone right now.   
  
With that I walked back into the house, I muttered emotionless apologies to Anzu and Joey and watched as they accepted eagerly.  
  
I nodded my head to Anzu towards the outside we slipped out she turned those eyes upon me.  
  
"Yami, is anything the matter?" I stared at her. Those eyes were concerned and caring and...  
  
"Anzu, since I've met you, you've been worried for everyone else and talking about friendship and peace and love. In Egypt those things were practically non-existent and when I found Yugi I wondered how anyone could be so foolish. But he taught me, and I owe him my soul. In you I have found my heart, could I perhaps see you alone one night?" I whispered the words and stared into her eyes. She blushed and lowered her head before raising it to give me a shy smile, and then she nodded.  
  
She then turned and walked back to the door giving me another look before walking in. A look that said so much more than words ever could.   
  
When I was alone again and it was quiet and dark I lowered my head.  
  
God.  
  
I was going to burn in hell.  
  
But maybe...if I was near her it wouldn't be so bad.  
  
The group left then Joey and Tristan acting likes asses as usual, Anzu raced out yelling at Joey before stopping and waving to me, smile wide and bright.  
  
Yugi glanced at me, "What's that all about?"  
  
"I asked her out on a date."  
  
"What?! I thought you loved Gia!"  
  
I could feel my eyes water and the tears travel slowly down my cheeks, "I do, with all my heart, body, and soul. But she's not here right now. And I need someone, anyone, just for now. Just for me.", I raised the back of my arm and buried my face inside it.   
  
God, Ra, someone, anyone...save me.  
  
"Yami, do you think you'll make it?" innocent childlike voice, worried and confused, but still caring and wonderful. My hikari. My aibou. My son. Lost them, found them again, circumstances all wrong. All, all wrong.  
  
"I'll make it aibou, I have to." I said the words with strength and stared at the moon.  
  
"I hope so, Yami. It must be hard to lose the one you love. I'm sorry." with that he quickly embraced me and then turned and walked back to the game shop.  
  
When he was inside and my brain was slowly recovering from the sweetness of his sudden movement I started to weep.  
  
I honestly didn't think I would make it through the night.  
  
And if I did.  
  
I didn't have one damn clue what I would do with eternity.  
  
Someone...  
  
Anyone...  
  
Save me.  
  
Please.  
  
I'm begging you. 


End file.
